Everyone looks
to some source to provide their sense of identity. Identity is essentially how I view myself or
who I am as a person. It is how I define
myself. It is what I use to decide
whether or not I have value. It is also
what I use to determine if I am acceptable to myself, God, and others. One source that people look to define
themselves, is the approval of certain people, like a father, boss, husband, wife,
or children. One example might be
looking to a father for our worth. When
he approves of us we feel like we are worth something; we feel good and we
accept ourselves. But then we lose his approval. We feel worthless. But people are flawed, they do not accurately
represent our value. We don’t really
gain and lose value based on what others think.
Other people are the wrong source; we should not give them the power to
define our identity.
Other
sources people look to are physical appearance, intelligence, wealth,
competence, abilities, grades, success, or moral achievements. The problem of looking to these things, is
that they lead to pride when I am doing well and insecurity when I am not. These things do not define us; they are not really
“who we are”. They are things about us,
and things that we do, but do not make us any more or less valuable. The only true source of our identity is God’s
love for us. This truth should provide
our worth and value.
Our value is
given by God as a gift. It is unchanging. We cannot gain it, and we cannot lose
it. We are only valuable because of God’s love. This should be humbling. We are also completely valuable because of God’s love. God’s love actually makes us worthy of
respect and high esteem. And we cannot
be more or less valuable than anyone else.
All people are given the same value by God Himself. God’s love allows us to recognize our high
value in spite of our flaws and shortcomings.
So, regardless
of our looks, talents, or anything that we do, we can always have a secure
Identity. In Christ we can always have
the security and confidence that we are enough, we are acceptable, and we are
valuable. We do not have to live in fear or anxiety about losing our value. As people loved by God, we have the resource
to have all of our personal needs for love, acceptance, and value met by God. Finding our security in Christ allows us to be
able to parent well, because when we are completely secure in God’s love for us,
we have plenty of love to give to our children.
Security/Fullness
We are made
to be dependent on God’s love to be secure. Being secure in God’s love can be illustrated
by a container that is always full, because it is constantly being filled. Looking to other things to fill our need for
love is like a container that is always nearly empty, because nothing else can ever
really satisfy us. So, the first way
that having a secure identity in Christ impacts our parenting, is that our need
for love is met, leaving us with an overabundance to share. We know who we are, and we are not looking for
anything else to define us. When we have
received God’s love, and we are full and secure in that love, we have an
overflow of love to give to others. The
love that we give to others does not come from us. We are not the source of love, God is.
As parents,
our job is to meet the needs our children and love them, not the other way
around. When our needs are met in God,
we are not looking to our children to meet our needs. Parents can easily confuse the good feeling
that they get from their children’s appreciation of them, for a source of value
and identity for themselves. We can easily
slip into using our children to get what we need, rather than giving children
what they need.
As secure people
we are not needy for acceptance, approval, or praise. We are free to put others first. We can love sacrificially and not fear that
our own needs will not be met. We can discipline
without having the primary concern be the loss of our children’s love for us. We are not afraid of our children’s anger
toward us, or losing their approval. We
are not threatened by our children’s mistakes.
Their mistakes don’t define us. We
are also not angered by their mistakes.
We don’t need them to behave well for our sake. We don’t need them to be good to make us feel
good about ourselves. When we are secure we are not easily wounded
by the things our children say and do.
(See Next Post for Part 2)